Zoro and the Damsel

NO! ZORO! I LOVE YOU! Please! Please don’t leave me! I have waited my whole life, my whole questionable existence for this day! For this moment to be face to face with you! To be the attractive damsel in distress you’ve been waiting for! Why won’t you stay safely here by my side? I promise I will do as you please. I will bombard you with excitement, with basic aphrodisiastic sex, and keep you up all night wishing you’d met me way, way sooner! If you leave now, Samson will come looking for you, and when he doesn’t find you, he’ll strangle ME! He’ll throttle me! He’ll squeeze the air out of me and I’ll be dead! ME! DEAD! You’ll be responsible for my demise, you treacherous killer! You’ll undeniably be the sole reason I’m dead. And then my Uncle Frank will have YOUR head! You’ll be beheaded in front of the county jailhouse. And then we’ll se who’s walking away! We’ll see if J.R. Junior was worth it after all. You think you’ll hunt J.R. cross the country? You think you’ll be able to hunt him cross nine states, two oceans and a desert?! You won’t! I promise you, you won’t, so please! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE! Stay here with me, my little angel Zoro! Please! I love you!